7 Ways to Enjoy Intimacy When You’re Not Ready for Sex

1. Be open about it

In any relationship, there are bound to be moments of mismatch, guilt, or even frustration. But your lack of libido isn’t your fault. Check in with each other and be gentle and compassionate; “I’m still attracted to you; I just don’t feel like sex right now,” for example! Little compliments can also remind your partner how you see them.

2. Share (and talk about) experiences

It can be as simple as watching a movie and talking about it afterwards – but a new music video or TED Talk will do, if you don’t have time for a whole movie. The point is to remind your SO that you are interested in their inner world, their thoughts and feelings and opinions – the things you loved doing together before baby came along.

3. Ask for (or offer) a quick massage

You might not have time for a full-blown aromatherapy-and-rose-petals massage, but even five minutes of a loving foot or neck rub can help you feel more connected to your partner (and more relaxed in your body). Next time you’re watching TV together, grab the massage oil and discover the only relaxing way to multitask there is. Check out our sensual massage techniques if you’re not sure where to start.

4. Remember small gestures

Buy their favorite snack when you’re at the shop. Make them a drink if you make one for yourself. Write little notes for each other; opening your lunch at work and finding a little scribble or sketch from your partner is a lovely feeling, no matter how long you’ve been together. It’s easy to think “Of course they know I love / appreciate them” but it never hurts to be reminded.

5. Take time for tenderness

Make time to check in with each other, even if you only have 5 minutes at the end of the day before you go to sleep. Just 30 seconds of unbroken eye contact, sitting or lying close together, can be very rewarding – even erotic.

Yes, it feels a bit weird and contrived when you’re busy – but you can make a joke of it and do it anyway. “It’s time for our super sexy awkward eye contact time, darling!” The increased intimacy will strengthen your connection and could benefit your sexual wellness in the long term.

6. Make out with no expectations

Once you’ve spoken to your partner about how you feel, it’s easier to communicate that you still want to be intimate – it just might not lead to sex. Try kissing, cuddling and touching each other – enjoy these moments without pressure for it to lead to anything else.

Take a bath (or shower) together and make a point of washing each other’s hair or bodies. Once you’re dry, cuddle naked in bed for a few minutes before getting dressed. The simple act of gently washing your lover and touching skin-to-skin can feel amazing.

7. Masturbate together (if you feel up to it)

You might not be interested in any kind of sexual touching – that's absolutely fine. Your libido will come back eventually.

But if it’s only penetration you’re wary of, there are plenty of other things you can do. It can be healthy to redefine your definition of sex, exploring oral sex and mutual masturbation rather than focusing on penetration alone.

Masturbating together is super sexy and can be just as satisfying as other kinds of sex. For example, you could grab a wand vibrator and tell your partner you want them to watch you while you play. Saucy! Or just enjoying kissing each other and making eye contact while you touch yourselves just how you like.

The most important thing is that you’re never hard on yourself for not wanting sex. You’re allowed to say ‘no’ whenever you want, even if you’re in a relationship. Just be sure to speak openly with your partner about how you feel so they can adjust their expectations and be intimate with you in other ways.