Sexless Relationships: Why aren’t we having sex?

In a nutshell

• Sex in a committed relationship ebbs and flows
• There’s no set amount of sex a couple “should” be having
• Couples might be going through a dry spell for tonnes of reasons
• Consider other forms of intimacy to meet your sexual needs: cuddling, dry humping, snogging etc
• Develop your emotional connection by being honest with each other about how you’re feeling
• Seek a relationship therapist if needed

What is a sexless relationship?

A sexless relationship is defined by infrequent or a lack of sex. Beyond that, there’s no clear-cut definition because there’s no specific frequency that couples “should” be having sex. For some, a dry spell of a month will feel as long as others experiencing a dry spell of six months.

Sexless relationships don’t necessarily lack passion and desire. Relationships can change over time and a sexless relationship only becomes a problem for a couple if you have different ideas of how much sex you’d like to have together.

Moving about the house like roommates and feeling like you’re not getting enough sex can breed resentment – often making matters worse! Or you may be satisfied with not having loads of sex but feel guilty because you think your partner wants more.

Either way, broadening our definition of sex (beyond penetrative sex) can help lighten the emotional weight of a “sexless relationship” and make way for sexual intimacy. Oral sex, hand jobs and mutual masturbation are all part of sex!

You can determine the sexual activity encompassed in sex between you and your partner. Raunchy snogging on the sofa and groping each other over your clothes? Check. An intimate bath, soaping each other’s back? Sure thing.

It’s your sex life; you make the rules.

The most common reasons behind a sexless relationship

Lovehoney’s 2023 survey of over 2,000 adults reveals the most common reasons people aren’t rustling the bedsheets.

Too tired for sex? We hear you. This is the most common culprit why couples have less sex, with almost half (45%) saying fatigue is the reason. When you’re knackered, it’s really difficult to bounce around on the bed, so try to go to bed earlier and have sex at a different time of the day.

It’s well-known that stress is bad for your health and it’s also detrimental to your sex life. Trying to forget about your impending work presentation to seduce your partner isn’t easy – neither is ignoring the stress that comes from health issues or social, family or money problems. For 29% of people, life is considered too stressful to enjoy sex and 19% say work-related stress is a major contributor to a lustless relationship.

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Here’s why else you might be having less sex:

• Your libido has changed over time. Don’t fancy sex as much as you used to? Neither do 28% of people in a sexless relationship. It’s completely normal for your libido to change over time, so don’t panic. You could try sexual supplements specifically designed for men and women to boost libido and sexual performance.
• You and your partner have different sex drives. When someone wants sex more than their partner, this can cause problems. For 20% of the people we surveyed, mismatched sex drives are to blame.
• You’re arguing too much. Make-up sex doesn’t always cut it after a raging argument. Almost a fifth (19%) of couples not having sex say that bickering is a major contributor.
• Sex isn’t a priority for you or your partner. As a relationship develops, sex and intimacy can move down the priority list. This is the case for 19% of couples; they’ve said intimacy has slowed down, or stopped, in their relationships.

Feeling like your partner is disinterested in sex can feel hurtful and dent your self-esteem. But only a small percentage (12%) of people say that a lack of sexual attraction to their partner is the reason for a decline in sexual frequency. So, you can rest assured that your partner probably does still fancy you – there might just be other stuff going on in their head!

If the attraction’s there, sometimes the romance isn’t and for some, having sex feels like another thing on the to-do list. Fortunately, there are ways to get out of the mentality of sex as a chore. Discover how, below.

Why women aren’t having sex

Our research showed that men and women have different reasons for not having sex. Tiredness (50%), libido changes (32%), life stress (29%) and having children (20%) are the main culprits for women.

The ways having children can impact a couple’s sex life are countless: lack of sleep, the enormity of looking after a little human, overload of touch and physical contact, unwell child, child sleeping in the couple’s bedroom (or bed!) – the list can go on and on.

While coinciding sex with baby naps or childcare can help, try not to put too much pressure on yourself when your kids are very young. It can be a tough time and you’re probably more interested in getting some rest yourself than having sex.

When you do fancy sex, use good-quality lube (here’s how) to combat vaginal dryness and apply a dab of orgasm balm to enhance your sexual pleasure.

Why men aren’t having sex

Similarly to women, men reported tiredness (39%), life stress (28%) and libido changes (23%) as their top three reasons for not having sex.

However, having children is a much less common reason than it is for women (15%), with far more men blaming differing sex drives (22%) and feeling stressed about work (21%) for their depleting sex lives.

If performance anxiety is a factor in your low sex drive, consider a sex toy like a cock ring to make your erections harder and longer-lasting. Insertable couple’s sex toys that stimulate both partners during penetration– like the We-Vibe Sync Lite – can be worn comfortably for hands-free clitoral vibrations. Check out this guide on introducing sex toys to your relationship.

Why it’s important to have a healthy sex life

Sex isn’t the ultimate benchmark for romance – and many couples find other ways to show affection for one another. Elisabeth Neumann, Head of User Research at Lovehoney says, “Sex is only important for relationships if both partners have a desire for sex… While not all people desire to have sex in their relationships, which is completely valid, those who do wish for an active sex life should nourish it during their lifetime.”

Sex for connection

When you’re in the throes of a new relationship, sex is an exciting way to “build intimacy with a partner,” advises Elisabeth. And once you’re over the nerves of getting naked with someone for the first time, “sex can be an important tool to build a strong foundation for a relationship.”

Elisabeth recognises that couples in long-term relationships might experience “a disbalance of libido and sexual desire.” If sex is important to one or both of you, “communicating openly about [your] desires” encourages empathy for one another’s needs – sexually or otherwise.

Sex for personal well-being

Having regular sex also “has a positive impact on our health,” says Elisabeth. “It boosts the immune system, life satisfaction” and supports cardiac health.

How to reignite a sexless relationship

When you’ve been with someone for a long time, it can be hard to keep the spark alive in the bedroom – especially when you’re dealing with problems like tiredness, stress and a low libido.

But don’t lose hope! There are plenty of ways you can get your sex life back on track. Elisabeth shares five tips for putting the excitement back into sex.

1. Try to understand why sex is missing

When a lack of sex is on your mind, it’s possibly on your partner’s too. Consider having a vulnerable conversation with them to share your worries and find solutions, together.

Does talking about sex feel too daunting? In this case, Elisabeth suggests “finding activities with your partner that allow both of you to be vulnerable, and to share emotions or sides of you that your partner might not have seen before.”

Showing vulnerability in non-sexual scenarios can pave the way for honest conversations about your shared sex life.

For some couples, the issue may run deeper and indicate other relationship problems. Speaking with a sex therapist has helped many partners understand why they’re not having sex and find a resolution. Just be sure to scope out recommended therapists with suitable qualifications and specialisms.

2. Prioritise your health and wellbeing

Tiredness and stress can dampen libidos so it’s helpful to alleviate these factors before tackling the long-term goal of a more fulfilling sex life (however that looks to you). While it’s not always this straightforward, adopting good sleep habits and understanding the root of your stress will improve your well-being.

Here are some things you could try:

• Avoid screens for an hour before bed
• Limit your caffeine intake in the afternoons and evenings
• Go to bed and wake up at the same time each day
• Read before bed rather than watch TV
• Schedule a self-care evening once a week to enjoy a bath, a face mask or meditate – whatever helps you unwind

There’s lots of reliable advice about sleep hygiene and stress relief on the internet so take a little time to explore this further.

3. Rekindle your romance

Maintaining romance in long-term relationships can be difficult, but research shows that novelty is important for relationship satisfaction. Have a go at something new together, like exploring a kink or taking a sexy class.

“You can try beginners' classes for almost anything: Tantra, sensual massage, kink…” suggests Elisabeth. “If you feel shy, an online workshop might be a good place to start.”

Buying yourself sexy lingerie can boost your self-esteem and “increase the excitement in your relationship.” Set your partner’s pulse racing by sharing your new purchase with them. Elisabeth says, “You can make it even more exciting by sending them a seductive photo before you meet!”

Playing a saucy game together can help you both get into the mood in a fun, playful manner. Try an adult card game to deepen your connection or suggest date ideas whether you’re staying in or heading out.

4. Schedule alone time

You might have considered scheduling time for sex, but planned sex doesn’t mean boring sex. When our lives are busy and we have conflicting obligations, setting aside time to tend to our relationships is important, even if it feels difficult.

Elisabeth acknowledges “It may feel weird in the beginning but try to schedule intimacy time in your calendars, just as you schedule hobbies or friends.”

If planning sex feels too much of a stretch, plan a date night or a weekend away. Consider turning your phones off and making a pact to only talk about the kids/work/ailing family member for 20 minutes. Relive shared happy memories or discuss how you felt when you first met to reconnect with each other. Even just going to bed early (and together) allows time to chat about your day in a private, comfortable place.

5. Try masturbating together

Sex doesn’t necessarily need to involve penetration. Dry humping, giving a sensual massage and masturbating with your partner are fun ways to connect sexually.

Re-discover how your partner likes to be touched through mutual masturbation. Simply sit opposite each other on the bed, lay side-by-side or get into any position where you can comfortably touch yourselves. Bonus points if you’re close enough to reach across and offer a helping hand!

You can also explore sex toys together without the pressure of leading to penetration by each using a toy on yourself. Male masturbators, like this blowjob stroker, can simulate the feel of oral sex during wanking, and clitoral suction vibrators use air pulse technology to mimic oral sex on the vulva.

To some, it can feel like sex toys are a “replacement” for the real person in front of you, but they certainly don’t have to be. Allowing yourselves to experience new sensations and pleasure together can bring you closer together as a couple.