Anal Sex: How Do You Do It?!

Have you ever seen anal in porn and thought: that doesn’t look so pleasurable? Understandable. But anal sex can feel really, really good (whether you’re giving or receiving). It just takes a bit of know-how and prep.

For example, raspberry, an anal sex aficionado on our forum, describes her first anal sex experiences as “okay”. But lately, “receiving anal feels incredible,” she says. “The prep that goes into anal sex; the foreplay and warm-up make me feel really taken care of.”

So, how do you get from ‘okay’ to ‘incredible’? We asked Sensual Intimacy Coach, Oli Lipski, to share her expert advice. In this article, you’ll get the low down on how to do anal sex; from preparation tips to practical techniques to make backdoor play super-pleasurable, no matter your gender expression.

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TL;DR?

This article goes into all the juicy details but, if you’re short on time, here’s the quick version:

• Anal sex is a unique sensation that can give you full body orgasms. Some people even find it brings them closer to their partner. But it’s not for everyone.
• You can say no. It’s important to feel comfortable setting boundaries about anal sex, whether that’s saying no or speaking up when something feels uncomfortable.
• Playing with toys first will help you prepare. Your butt is delicate! You need to be really aroused and have some experience playing with anal toys before you begin.
• Hygiene is important. Douching is optional, but you should wash between those cheeks before you play. Don’t go straight from anal to vaginal sex without washing the toy, penis, or fingers.
• You still might see poo. Look, sh** happens. Don’t be ashamed!
• Lube is essential. Sex will feel smoother and more sensual, plus there’s less risk of tearing.

From building a deeper connection with your partner to experiencing mind-blowing orgasms, there are so many reasons to love anal play. With loads of nerve endings concentrated in the anus, it’s a potential pleasure house for everyone – whether you have a prostate or not!

In the Lovehoney Forum, people told us how anal feels, and shared some amazing benefits of anal sex:

• “We’re both tuned into each other, more so than with other types of sex because of the care and attention that anal sex requires,” says raspberry
• “Anal sex has made our sex life more fun,” says aljerram
• For Samantha, “It’s a warm sensation of fullness that only anal sex can give. The feeling of [my partner’s] cock pulsing is out of this world… I have multiple orgasms every time. It’s totally improved our sex life.”
• “When I stimulate my P-spot, I can feel a sensation of pressure building that can lead to a full-body orgasm wave that feels amazing. Discovering the potential for pleasure from my prostate has helped me understand what my body is capable of sexually,” writes Cumalot82
• “It enhances any penis play, makes my orgasms unavoidable and sends me over the edge,” writes LIL_KNOWN69
• MattWillTry agrees: “I find I can have multiple smaller orgasms with the P-spot, similar to waves, before reaching an ultimate final orgasm.”
• “The pleasure of doing anal sex is different from vaginal sex. It feels amazing; tight and deep and it seems naughty but I know my wife enjoys it as much as I do,” says Hubby.and.Wife
• “Anal sex is quite a dominant act [no matter who’s doing the penetrating]. To be that vulnerable and trusting is something that connects us as a couple. I also like the role reversal and pleasure being pegged brings,” says LIL_KNOWN69
• “We both enjoy the submissive nature of it as part of our BDSM play,” says BDSMKinkyCouple
• “The main thing for me is the ‘kink’ behind it. I get so turned on just thinking about doing it,” writes WB1987

A big concern about having anal sex is the potential mess – but the right preparation makes it far less messy than you might think.

Saying that: feeling comfortable with the possibility that there may be a bit of poo (no matter how thoroughly you prepare) is essential to finding anal play pleasurable. It’s also important to know whether you actually want to try anal sex. No one should pressure you into doing anything you aren’t keen to do.

Trust yourself and your partner

“Do you trust yourself to make adjustments if it’s uncomfortable?” asks Sensual Intimacy Coach, Oli Lipski. “Or to say ‘no’ if it hurts?”

It’s easier to communicate your boundaries to others when you know your limits yourself. Plus, knowing your limits and trusting yourself to protect them helps you be more ‘in the moment’ and carefree during sex.

“Listen to your body’s signals when it wants something and when it doesn’t,” Oli recommends. “Then of course, make sure that you trust the person you are exploring anal sex with. This level of trust allows you to communicate your boundaries from a safe place.”

Forget what you’ve seen in porn

If you’ve ever watched a porn video that included anal sex, the chances are you’ll have seen a penis shoved into a bumhole with little or no lube. Few people will find this pleasurable and it’ll most likely hurt if you replicate this “technique” at home.

Porn doesn’t show the prep or lubing up. God knows why, because foreplay and slathering lube onto your partner’s penis or strap-on can be just as sexy as whatever comes next.

Also, to have anal sex, you don’t need to insert a huge penis or dildo. A well-lubed finger or small toy provides loads of rear-end pleasure.

So, forget porn and try talking to your partner about why you want to explore anal sex. “Connecting to your desires is an essential part of preparation. It can help build arousal mentally and physically to help you feel fully connected to the experience,” advises Oli.

Eat a diet rich in fibre

A quick biology lesson: Eating fibre-rich foods helps keep you regular and prevents constipation. Foods such as whole grains, nuts and seeds, fruit and veggies are all rich in fibre which adds bulk to your poo. And a little bulk means less risk of mess when you do anal.

Drink plenty of water to help your gut digest fibre. Having regular loo habits and maintaining a balanced and varied diet will, in turn, keep your pipes clean.

Go to the toilet an hour before

While we’re on the topic of pipes: go to the loo about an hour before you intend to have anal sex (sorry to all you spontaneous queens, anal sex does require a bit of forward-planning).

Unless you really need to go, poo doesn’t sit in the rectum, so having a bowel movement before engaging in bum play should clean you out enough for anal sex. Saying that, there may be some traces of faeces or bacteria left behind after going to the toilet, so a good wash just before getting down will help too.

For hygiene reasons, it’s a good idea to go to the loo after anal sex (you’ll likely feel as though you need to, anyway).

Douche if you want to

Douching isn’t essential prep for anal sex, but some people find it gives them peace of mind. Washing your bum with warm water and mild soap is enough but, if you’d like to douche, do it carefully.

Douching involves squirting salt water into your anus to clean you inside out – but doing it too often can damage the intestinal lining. Look out for anal douches with a soft, squeezable bulb, as they’ll make it easy for you to control the pressure.

Be sure to read up on how to use an anal douche and always follow the instructions that come with it! Douching over the toilet will make cleaning up easier and more hygienic.

Bear in mind (though don’t think about it constantly as it might detract from your enjoyment!) that even if you’re clean, you might see poo. Getting comfortable with this and learning not to be ashamed is part of enjoying backdoor entry.

Oli reminds us that “Sex is supposed to be fun! And with anal you need to prepare for the worst-case scenario. If you can bring in a sense of playfulness and humour, this may help ease fears if ‘shit happens’. If you or your partner can’t handle potential mess, there’s really no shame in trying something else.”

Get relaxed and horny

Hopefully, you don’t need us to tell you how to relax and feel turned on! Will you light some candles, dim the lights and play some music? Will your partner kiss their favourite parts of your body before devouring between your legs?

To get the most pleasure from anal sex, you want to be super aroused, so your sphincter muscles relax. And however you turn each other on, make sure there’s plenty of lube nearby and incorporate it into your foreplay and bum play.

Experiment with anal toys first

“I’d recommend exploring your own body before exploring with a partner,” Oli suggests. “Then you’ll know what’s going on where, and what feels really good for your body.” Experiment at your own pace to find what feels pleasurable (and what doesn’t).

In the Lovehoney Forum, batjamboree says, “It took time to accept a penis – but using toys such as butt plugs helped.” So, build your way up from a finger or plug to anal beads.

The first time you use a dildo, hold it yourself so you can control the depth and pressure. This will help your bum stretch gently and get you ready for anal sex with partner.

However you approach anal play, consider using anal lube, which is thicker, and longer lasting than normal lube. Anal lube won’t dry out as quickly – but do re-apply often when inserting anything inside your anus; you’ll probably need more than you think.

Types of anal toys to try

• Anal beads with nodules of increasing sizes can be a good toy to start with because they gradually stretch the sphincter as each bead is inserted. Some anal beads vibrate, too. For toe-curling sensations, check out these tips for using anal beads.
• Butt plugs apply pressure to the nerve endings in the anus which can enhance your orgasms. They should have a flared base to keep the plug in position and stop them from being sucked up by the sphincter. They come in all shapes and sizes – or try an anal training kit – so you can start small and work up to inserting a larger butt plug if progressive anal play’s your thing. Some butt plugs also have a vibrating bullet inside to add more anal pleasure. Learn more about using butt plugs.
• If you have a prostate, inserting a prostate massager might feel amazing. Don’t be alarmed by the big tip – the larger surface area provides more contact for the pleasure powerhouse that is the male prostate. Learn more about how to use a prostate massager in our handy guide.
• There’s also a plethora of pegging strap-ons available. Attach a slim pegging dildo to a harness for beginner’s anal sex; a larger dildo for more advanced anal play; or try a strapless strap-on for simultaneous internal stimulation. Givers can experiment with a bigger penis size or girth by wearing a hollow strap-on – or use a strap-on specifically designed for double penetration by slipping their penis through the attached cock ring.

Like any sex, the best way to get confident with anal sex is by giving it a go and checking in with your partner (and yourself) about what feels good.

If you’re the giver, take things slow and make sure your lover is super aroused before you penetrate them anally. If you’re the receiver, speak up about what feels good (or doesn’t) and let yourself get comfortable with the idea of a little mess.

Consider condoms

Anal sex comes with a higher risk of STIs, so consider using a condoms, especially if you frequently change partners or you’re having sex with someone new. It can also spread bacteria if you go from anal to vaginal sex without washing in between, so remember to use a new condom if you’re doing both (yes, even if it means you get through a whole packet in one session).

Wearing a condom makes the clean-up easier, but it doesn’t replace washing. So, when you’re done, bin the used condom and give yourself a good wash.

Get nicely lubed up (and skip numbing gel)

Unlike the vagina, the anus isn’t self-lubricating so it’s essential to use lots of lube when putting sex toys, fingers or a penis into your bum.

In the Lovehoney Forum, FluffyK says, “Relaxation and lube are everything”. And they’re not wrong. Apply lube during foreplay and continue to apply while you play.

No matter whether you’re having anal or vaginal sex, if you’re using condoms or toys, you need to be careful about the lubrication you use. Stick to water-based lube because silicone lube can damage condoms and sex toys.

And don’t be tempted to use numbing gel. It’s not a lubricant and the numbing effect on your body will mean you won’t necessarily know what’s happening around your bum. Specifically: you won’t know if something’s hurting and if you need to stop.

Get as aroused and relaxed as you can

Whether you’re new to anal play or a seasoned arse veteran, the receiving partner should be super relaxed and horny before anything goes inside them. This will help open them up, avoid tearing, and keep things fun for everyone.

If you’re the receiver, you could start by asking your partner to give you a relaxing whole-body massage (anal sex won’t be pleasurable if your sphincter is clamped shut). They could glide their hands over your bum and tease your bumhole with a lubed finger by circling the opening with the flat of their index finger or thumb or gently stroking it up and down.

Rimming (licking the anal opening) can also be a pleasurable way to get into anal sex. Bend over the bed or table, against the wall, or “69”… whatever allows the giver to position themselves between their lover’s peachy cheeks. Try using a flavoured lube for extra delicious fun. Go wild!

When you’re both ready, ask your partner to apply more lube and push the flat of their thumb against the opening of your bumhole. If you’re both keen, you can progress to inserting a well-lubed finger or small toy.

Go slowly – especially at first – and check in with yourself and each other to see if you’re both enjoying it.

Feeling turned on, using lots of lube, and going slowly should mean inserting a finger or toy feels sensual rather than painful. Ask your partner to stop moving if anything feels uncomfortable.

“Before incorporating any big movements,” Oli suggests keeping whatever is in your bum still for a minute or so. “This way, the sphincter becomes adjusted to the sensation” and your partner can continue to slowly push their finger or the toy in a little further.

Once your partner’s finger or the toy is fully inserted, they can try massaging in small circles or pulling out and then pushing back in, repeatedly, as you would for penetrative sex. Did we mention adding more lube? Do!

Speak up if it hurts or feels uncomfortable and tell your partner what feels good and whether they need to slow down – or speed up.

Find the position that works for you

“Take the time to explore different positions, pressures and sensations. Enjoy finding what pleasure spots work for you!” Oli encourages.

For an intimate anal sex position (and one that’s great for your first time), try a spooning position like Cuddle Up. Both lie on your sides facing the same way and have the penetrating partner enter from behind. You’ll both be in a comfortable position and be able to control the movement together. For easier entry, the receiver can try tucking their knees into their chest.

Good ol’ Missionary suits anal sex just as well as vaginal sex, except the person penetrating needs to aim a little lower. Resting your bum on a cushion lifts your hips for easier backdoor access.

Doggy’s also a fab position for anal because it opens up your bum for easy access and insertion. However, bear in mind that the penetrating partner has more control over the pace and depth. Doggy-style anal is best avoided if the receiver isn’t confident about speaking up when they want to slow it down, stop, or change positions.

To give the receiver more control, try Reverse Cowgirl or the Liberated Lover. While you might find more pleasure from being on top and setting the speed, this can be quite tiring and cause the pelvic floor and sphincter to tighten (which you don’t want during anal sex). Try receiver-on-top positions once you’re both more confident having anal sex together.

Oli says that anal penetration “indirectly stimulates the back of the internal clitoris”. And that, when combined with G-spot stimulation, “some people report anal orgasms.” If you’ve got a vulva, try thrusting a G-spot vibrator in and out of your vagina while your partner penetrates your anus with a finger, toy or penis.

Focus on pleasure

Rather than getting distracted thinking about whether you’ll make a mess, or trying to rush towards an orgasm, try and focus on the sensual feeling of having a finger, toy, or penis inside you.

Oli believes that connecting to your sense of pleasure helps create deeper intimacy with your partner. She says, “Focusing on the breath may be a useful tool to help channel your focus and attention to the present.” Try taking deep, slow breaths to relax your mind and body while you play.

On that note, it might feel good to keep penetration slow and sensual at first. Trixie-n-Russell in the Lovehoney Forum says that “long slow strokes feel amazing” while others like something more pacy. Either way, leave the hard and fast thrusting to the pornstars; your bum deserves gentle love and care.

As with any form of sex, you can stop at any time you want to. But rather than pulling whatever’s in your bum out quickly, remove it slowly to avoid tearing your skin.

If you do want to stop mid-play, talk about it with your partner so they’re not left in the dark. Having an open conversation about why you didn’t enjoy anal play will teach you both about your body and can lead to discussions about what you might like to try differently.

Don’t go straight from anal to vaginal sex

You don’t want bacteria from your bum getting into your vagina. You’ll increase your risk of UTIs, yeast infections, and bacterial vaginosis, to name a few unwanted visitors. Wash whatever was inserted into your rectum (fingers, sex toys a penis) before having vaginal sex (or use a new condom).

If you’ve got a vulva, pee after

Weeing after vaginal sex helps flush bacteria away from the urethra, helping to prevent UTIs. Well, it’s the same with anal sex. Bum bacteria in your urethra won’t feel pleasant, so go for a wee after having anal to minimise the risk.

Embrace the aftercare

Anal play can be physically tiring so looking after yourselves after sex (aftercare) is important. Common forms of aftercare include cuddling, relaxing with your partner, and taking a warm shower.

Anal sex can be stigmatised, so it’s a good idea to debrief rather than suffer any shame in silence. Debriefing can be as simple as talking about what you enjoyed and what you might like to try differently next time.

For example, you could ask your partner, “What felt good for you during sex?” or “Is there anything you didn’t like so much and would like to change next time?” You could also tell each other about a particular position that felt amazing, “I loved it when you…” or “When my legs were ___, the angle felt great.”

Make sure you both share what you did and didn’t enjoy – and listen to each other. Open, honest communication is the key to having anal sex that gets more and more pleasurable each time. And hey, if anal sex isn’t for you, that’s totally cool. If the person you’re having sex with is decent, they should respect your decision.

Before you go

Incorporating anal sex into your sex life can introduce you both to new realms of pleasure. Butttt… that doesn’t mean you have to have anal sex like the pornstars do. Enjoy the pleasure sex toys and fingers bring – and don’t forget the lube!