Sexual Spanking: A Guide to Spanking for Pleasure

More curious about the slaps than the tickles? Does that mean you’re a sado masochist or need to be a professional Dominatrix to participate in this well-known BDSM practice? That’s a hard no.

Like millions of people, you probably just find the idea of mixing a little pain with pleasure intriguing and appealing. And why not. Spanking during sex can be a great way to enhance a session and get that all important endorphin rush.

Sex and relationship expert Jess Wilde says, “You don't need to class yourself as a ‘kinky couple’ to explore spanking. It’s about utilising one of your biggest sex organs – your skin.”

Whatever your experience level or favourite type of kink, we’re here to give you the low down sexual spanking. Find out what it is, why people love it, and tips for getting started. Let’s crack on...

Only got time for a quickie?

In this guide, we’ll go into all the juicy detail about spanking for pleasure – including a guide to choosing your spanking gear. Only got a minute? Here’s what you need to know in a nutshell:

• Sexual spanking involves using a hand or object (like a flogger or spanking paddle) to slap the skin, causing a rush of sensation and endorphins.
• People find spanking sexual for all kinds of reasons – it's totally personal and unique to the individual!
• For the best sensations, spank the fleshy parts of the body like the bum and thighs – never hit the spine or kidneys.
• Before spanking, warm the spankee up by caressing their bum and thighs with your hands, tickler, or flogger.
• After spanking, ice packs or arnica can be used to soothe sore cheeks. A cuddle and a debrief is always a good idea too!
• Rather than using household items, which can cause serious injury, consider high quality, body-safe spankers and ticklers.

Sexual spanking is a type of sensory play that can be really exciting (even romantic) when it's done in the right way. Spanking can be enjoyed as part of role play, as a punishment in a BDSM sub/Dom scenario, or during sex to get a heady endorphin rush.

“Spanking is a case of drawing blood to the surface of the skin and making it really ultra-sensitive,” says Jess Wilde. “It doesn’t have to be painful or classed as a ‘punishment’, although it can go into that. Really, spanking is just a progression on from stroking.”

When spanking, a hand or object – such as a flogger or paddle – is slapped against the skin to provide far reaching sensations and flood your body with those all-important pleasure hormones. It falls under the umbrella of BDSM power play and is ideal for bondage beginners.

Erotic spanking can be both physically and mentally arousing, but everyone is wonderfully different, so trying to pinpoint why it’s a sexual act is simply down to individual tastes.

“Everyone’s desires, motivations and fantasies around bondage are unique to them,” explains Ruth Heneke Eliot, a sex education expert and facilitator of Better Sex Workshops.

“Having said that, there are some experiences that are typical of those who enjoy it,” she continues. “For many, bondage can be a way to experience intense emotional and psychological states they may not be able to achieve in other contexts in their lives.”

If you’re trying to understand why you’re into spanking, just think about the sensations (whether physical or emotional) it brings up for you.

As the spankee, maybe it’s the thrill of the unknown and anticipation of what’s to come? “Getting spanked [is] one of my favourite 'funishments',” says Jinx on the Lovehoney Forum. “I love it, and it means I’ve got so much anticipation for what comes next.”

It could be the sting that provides a release of endorphins and dopamine, and sensations that ripple over your erogenous zones. Or maybe it’s the relief and arousal of being controlled?

As the spanker, does the shift in power play appeal? Administering punishments and rewards to the sound of a satisfying ‘thwack’ and the resulting rosy-red butt cheeks? “I’m the spanker, my lovely OH is the spankee,” says Forum user, JustaNormalBloke. “I love causing a red glow across her bottom. Thinking about it, I’m realizing that it’s been a while…”

“Keep your spanks to the fat, nicely padded areas of the bottom. The other area you can go for that is a little bit more painful and sharp is the back of the thighs,’ recommends Jess Wilde. Here are a few more tips on spanking for pleasure:

Talk to your partner

If you’re wondering how to get spanked or dish out some stingers yourself, a frank and honest discussion with your partner is the way to go. Trying something new can be fun and exciting, but also overwhelming and anxiety provoking, so it ‘s essential to keep communication open before, during and after.

Find out if your lover’s open to the idea of a little tickle and slap, then proceed (or not) from there. Above all never (ever) surprise spank!

An unexpected spank could be a major turn-off or even bring back memories of a traumatic experience, leading to a very different result from the one you were hoping for. Keep the conversation going and discuss expectations and concerns.

Are you looking to enhance role play? Experiment with pain? Just try something new? Maybe you need to experiment to establish who likes what. You can always switch roles between sessions to work out what you both like best.

“I’m predominantly sub, but we have a very playful relationship so I get away with spanking hubby sometimes,” says Tenshadesandme on the Forum. “I’ll deliver a swat on his rear and remind him that ‘good boys bend at the knee’, to which he, messing around, will say ‘thank you Mommy!’. He spanks me because he’s really my Dom and I spank him because I like to live dangerously lol.”

Know your safeword

You might not yet know what you will or won't be okay with, which is why picking a safe word is very important (and fun). If your agreed word is used, play should stop immediately.

Choose a word that would seem out of place in a sexual scenario like ‘Pineapple’ or ‘Unicorn’. For a more nuanced approach, the traffic light system of ‘Green’, ‘Yellow’ and ‘Red’ works well.

Green means I like that, keep going!

Yellow means this intensity is good, stay there.

Red means stop immediately.

Check ins such as “Are you okay?” are also advisable during any spanking session, just to make sure that your partner is feeling good. Once that’s all been decided and agreed upon, you’re ready to get started.

Get in position

Spanking can happen separate to, before, or during sex, which means there are quite a few positions you can try. You may want to create a methodical plot line for role play, use a certain position for optimum intensity – depending on your use of tools – or simply be spontaneous with the ‘know how’ safely backing you up.

Bent over: For a great swing trajectory, bend the spankee over a bed, table, sofa, or chair, while the spanker stands behind or beside them.

On all fours: For comfortable, easy access to those juicy fleshy parts, get the spankee to lie with their forearms and knees on the floor or bed. This puts the spanker in a prime position for administering some resounding thwacks.

Over the knee: Get the spankee to lie across the spanker's lap. Some enjoy this position because it can be intimate yet humiliating which plays well for the sub/Dom scenario. Others may simply enjoy it for a comfortable or spanking experience.

During sex: Doggy Style is all about the receiver’s rear, so this is a great a sex position to try spanking. Reverse Cowgirl works well too – giddy up!

Stroke the skin first

When we get spanked, more blood flows to the skin, the muscles relax, and arousal builds. But it’s essential to warm up and prepare the skin for pleasure – this will make spanking feel exciting rather than simply painful.

Use your hands to stroke, rub and massage the lower back, hips, butt and thighs to gradually work your way up to spanking and impact play.

Sex and relationship expert, Jess Wilde says: “The number one place that is often referred to as the sweetspot of spanking is what I like to refer to as the ‘thutt’ – the bit between your thigh and your butt. Spanking there sends those vibrations straight your sweetspots and feels absolutely amazing.”

The spankee doesn’t necessarily have to have a naked butt, as underwear can be worn for comfort, acting as a slight barrier to dull down the ‘thwacks’ for cautious beginners or those with more sensitive skin.

Expert advice: As a general rule, you should never spank the front of the body or anywhere above the pelvic bone - it’s all about location, location, location. Avoid the tailbone and anything that feels remotely hard. Kidneys are a major no-go area, as is the spine. Your focus is firmly on those fleshy areas between the top of the butt and the top of the backs of the knees.

Try light slaps with your hand

“Palm spanking is great for beginners,” says Jess. “Before you go spending any money, I highly recommend you investigate the perfect slappers you have at the end of your arms.”

Different hand shapes have different effects. Once your partner is warmed up and relaxed, cup the palm of your hand, and begin with some soft, light spanks. Cupping the hand tends to create more of a ‘thud’ while holding it flat with fingers spread creates more sting.

You can quickly withdraw your hand after making contact to avoid adding any painful weight to the slap. That said, some people find that having the hand bounce back off the butt after a strike is more pleasurable for both parties, whereas others like a ‘spank-and-grab' sensation.

Get more adventurous

There’s an abundance of ways to raise your game once the spanking bug bites. When the blood is flowing the skin is super sensitive and senses are heightened. Explore the sensory side of things with pinwheels or feather ticklers. With your hands, try lightly scratching or tickling to heighten arousal.

Both on board with bondage? Restraint play can induce wild anticipation, so try bondage props like cuffs and ties to enhance the Dom/sub dynamic while you spank. There are so many ways to play and so many toys to play with, but more about this below...

Soothe the skin afterwards

If the spankee is looking a bit red and sore, use a soothing balm to calm and hydrate the skin.* More advanced spankers might also use a cooling pad or ice pack wrapped in a clean tea towel. For any bruising and also for tired or aching spanking arms, arnica gel can work wonders and is available at most pharmacies and natural food stores.

The idea of self spanking might seem a bit bizarre at first, but solo self-flagellation can be a fun and authentic experience.

Some people prefer to use their hands, while others will swear that it’s all about the spanking tools which are less awkward and make the fleshy parts easier to reach. Whatever your preference, read on for some top tips on self-discipline...

“I live alone and so my only option is to self-spank,” says SPstroker64. “I use my hands as I find trying to use implements of various sorts too awkward. A hand spanking supplies a sufficiently satisfying stinging sensation which is very arousing.”

Best tools

In general, shorter implements work better than long ones for self-spanking. Shorter tools give better accuracy with the least amount of wrist action.

Rigid implements such as paddles are ideal for positions where you're laying down or bent over – pick something that has enough weight to deliver a satisfying sting. Flexible implements such as short straps or floggers work best for standing positions.

Wooden paddles can bruise while a soft leather paddle will only leave a red mark. You can choose your own limits, but we usually only recommend leather paddles – to avoid any lasting injuries.

Best position

A good position for self spanking will comfortably support your weight, without restricting your breathing, and enable a good swing action. Bending over the side of the bed or sofa is recommended but can tire your arm quickly. If your arm gets tired, take a break or swap hands.

“Had a mild self spanking session the other day so had reddened cheeks for a while which felt good,” says Interestedman. “It started off with hand spanking over boxers then boxers came down and straight on the bare, had a go with the belt but did not get the required swing.”

Kneeling (with padding) or standing is better if you’re using floggers and straps. Laying on your back with your feet against a wall is surprisingly effective for using swing toys such as paddles and spankers.

Expert advice: Getting into a rhythm is good – maybe watch a spanking video or tap in time to a sexy beat.

Before grabbing the first hairbrush, spatula or belt that you can find, be advised that general household implements have the potential to inflict serious injury. You might be reluctant to invest in purpose-built bondage gear but it’s worth it. Good quality, body-safe spanking tools are designed with your pleasure (and safety) in mind.

Spanking sensations come in two main flavours: 'sting' and 'thud.' ‘Sting’ is that zippy surface feeling that wakes up your skin — akin to splashing in a pool — while ‘thud’ goes deeper, like a massage with attitude or diving into the deep end of that pool.

Everyone has their own preference here. Some are team sting, others are all about that thud life, and many enjoy starting with one and switching to the other or using both. With all impact play, safety is important to ensure everyone has a good time, and choosing the right tool can make all the difference.

Spanking paddles

“A paddle is a great choice if this is your first spanking tool purchase,” says Jess Wilde. “They’re really easy to control. Not only are they quite short, but they provide a similar sensation to spanking with your palms, [and] they’re often dual-sided so you have a couple of sensations to play with.”

Spanking paddles come in a wide range of fabrics, weights and shapes for a variety of stimulation and offer an exciting alternative sensation to skin-on-skin play. Experiment with textures and material such as leather, wood, satin and faux fur. For your first time, lightweight leather or faux leather is a good place to start – since these paddles are easy to control and soft on the skin.

How to use a paddle

Tease and tantalise with light taps and strokes to the buttocks and thighs using your chosen implement. Once you and your partner are comfortable with using a paddle, try doing it harder and more frequently to slowly build intensity. You can also alter the pressure, frequency and placement of the slaps to create variety, spread sensation and increase anticipation.

Expert advice: Never spank above the waist, over the spine or kidneys or over joints such as the backs of the knees. This can be very dangerous, so don’t be afraid to practice your aim.

Floggers

A flogger is a whip with many tails which can be used anywhere on the body but is particularly effective on the back, bottom or thighs. If you’re wondering how to spank someone quietly, these toys may not be for you.

Depending on the size, weight and number of tails, a flogger can produce a range of effects, from widespread thuds to multiple stings at once.

“Floggers are fantastic for versatility with your play or if you're still quite new to it as they can be used delicately to simply tickle the skin, to stroke sensitive areas, or when the time is right to provide a jolly good whipping,” says Jess.

How to use a flogger

Begin by gently running the tails over the skin to get your partner accustomed to the feeling. Next, start flogging your partner by swinging the whip in a figure of eight motion. For a gentler impact, hold the flogger with the tails pointing towards the floor, and flick your wrist towards your partner’s body.

How close you hold the flogger to the skin will alter the sensation, so take some time to experiment to find out what they like best.

Floggers are a wonderfully versatile tool, ideal for couples who like the idea of power play, but aren't 'into pain', since they can be used to simply stroke and tickle sensitive areas of the body.

Expert advice: Never flog anywhere near the face or eyes and always agree upon a safe word beforehand.

Crops, canes, and whips

Once you've mastered the spanking basics, you might want to consider moving on up to crops, canes or whips. These tools are much slimmer, so rather than spreading the smack out across your skin to reduce the results of impact, the sensations are focused on a much smaller area. The result? More intense stinging sensations and heightened skin sensitivity.

While not for the faint of heart, these tools are perfect for couples who want more pain with their pleasure, love to leave their mark, or want to accessorise a dominant persona, or receive harsher punishment as submissive.

Crops: Inspired by traditional horse-riding equipment, BDSM crops usually have a firm handle and small, flat tip that delivers sharp, precise slaps. They are ideal for controlled impact play and leaving marks in all the right places.

Canes: These are usually a slender, stiff rod that provides a deep, lasting sting. Canes are often used in more advanced impact play, as they can deliver strong sensations with minimal effort.

“The cane might not look like much, but it is reserved for advanced spankers only as it provides quite a sharp sting,” says Jess. “The reason for this is because it has such a narrow spanking surface which concentrates every bit of that spank into one thin area on the body which feels quite intense for the receiver.”

Whips: These can have both single and multiple tails (like a flogger) or a long, flexible body. Whips can be used for anything from light strokes that send shivers down the spine, to more intense lashes that deliver a satisfying, intense sting with a pleasing ‘crack’ sound.

How to use a crop, cane or whip

Always begin with light contact to assess sensitivity levels before slowly increasing intensity according to your partner's comfort and enjoyment. Focus only on fleshy, padded areas such as the buttocks, upper legs, and lower back.

Canes create more concentrated and intense feelings, so they require extra caution, especially for those new to impact play. With riding crops, try varying your technique by changing angles and pressure to create a personalised blend of sensations that match your partner's preferences.

As for whip play... “This is definitely reserved for advanced players, and this goes for both the sub and the Dom,” says Jess. “Go outside and practice! Use a cushion, take the heads of dandelions and grass tips.

“Basically, you need to get really good at aiming before you take this anywhere near your partner’s body. When you do get to that point, we highly recommend that you wear a peaked cap or some goggles – after all you don’t want to take someone's eye out.”

Expert advice: It’s not necessary to use lubricant with any spanking toys, but if you’re incorporating other elements of BDSM play (such as bondage restraints, insertable sex toys, or spanking with added stimulation), using a good quality lubricant can enhance comfort and pleasure.

Don’t underestimate the importance of post-spanking care. Your partner may be feeling sensitive and exhausted, so hold them without rushing off.

Focus on reconnecting through cuddles, gentle touches, and soft kisses. A warm bath can soothe tired muscles, while ice can calm heated skin. If the area looks particularly sensitive, a dab of antibacterial cream helps prevent complications.

It’s often a good idea to check in with each other. What worked? What didn’t? What would you like to change? You can have those conversations right afterwards or maybe a day or two later, but make sure to have them. It’s one of the best ways to make sure that the next time is fun.

Remember: good aftercare transforms an intense experience into a meaningful connection.