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How to Masturbate for Women (or Anyone with a Vulva)
Remember the episode in Sex Education where Aimee stays up all night masturbating? Hot stuff.
How does she literally stay awake all night though? Can rubbing yourself really feel that good?! Oh yes, yes, yes it can. And you’ve come to the right place to discover the wonders of wanking.
Here, you’ll find useful advice about masturbation, including techniques to try using your hands or sex toys. You’ll get to know your vulva, why masturbating feels so good, and discover expert tips for getting in the mood (and getting off).
All you have to do is give them a try… And maybe have a clear diary tomorrow. Jokes, kinda.
If you’ve got a vulva, you’re in for a treat because there’s a huge variety of ways to indulge in solo play:
- Fingers: Using your fingers, play with your vulva or clitoris, or slide a well-lubed finger (or fingers) inside your vagina. Learn more about why you need lube.
- Vibrators: Try a vibrating sex toy inside your vagina for internal pleasure. Some vibrators are tapered (curved) to put pressure on the G-spot (located a few inches inside your vagina). Vibrators can also be used on other parts of the body, like your clit or bumhole because we’re here for pleasure.
- Clitoral suction toys: These toys have a small opening to pop over your external clitoris (we explain what this means later), which pulses air specifically on the clit. It’s a different sensation from a vibrating toy, a bit closer to the sensation of oral sex.
- Dildos: Dildos allow for deeper internal penetration in your vagina, but you can also use them to rub your clit, labia and perineum. Use water-based lube to minimise friction and maximise pleasure.
- Pillows: Not just to rest your weary head… Hump or grind your vulva against a pillow to get yourself off – just consider changing your pillowcase before bedtime.
Recommended sex toys for people with vulvas
Before you dive in and stimulate your clitoris, you might find that touching other erogenous zones is pleasurable. Let’s start there.
Try caressing your neck; massaging your breasts or nipples; or stroking your perineum (the bit between your vagina and bumhole). Don’t feel embarrassed; this is all in the pursuit of pleasure. Experiment with different types of touch, like rubbing, pulling, squeezing or pinching and discovering what feels good.
When you’re feeling aroused, now’s the time to start touching your genitals.
Masturbation is more fun when pleasure, not orgasm, is the aim. But, if you want to orgasm, most people with vulvas only orgasm through clitoral or dual stimulation. Learn about the other types of female orgasms – apparently, there are 12!
In her book Come As You Are, sex educator Dr Emily Nagoski writes, “Less than a third of women are reliably orgasmic with vaginal penetration alone”. So, you’ll need to find your clitoris.
The Holy Trinity: the vulva, the vagina and the clitoris
A quick biology lesson: the vulva and vagina are different things. The word vulva refers to the labia (a.k.a lips), clitoris, urethral opening (where you pee from) and vaginal opening (where insertable toys or penises might go). The vagina is the internal canal between the vulva and the uterus. It’s also home to the G-spot.
Put simply, your vulva is what’s outside, while your vagina is what’s inside.
Many people think the clitoris is just the little nub near the top of the vulva, where the labia meet. But in reality, this “little nub” (known as the “glans”) is the tip of a larger clitoral structure, made up of internal erectile tissue.
Amazingly, it’s believed that the clitoris exists purely for pleasure because science hasn’t yet determined another purpose for it.
And it’s clear to see why. Boasting around 8,000 nerve endings, the glans clitoris can be very responsive to touch – and vibrations. (That’s why the bullet vibe was invented.) To find it, get a small mirror, spread your legs, and look for a pea-sized nub where your inner labia meet. It might be covered fully, partially (or not at all) by your clitoral hood. Gently stroke the hood back to reveal your clit if so. No matter how visible your clitoris is, it’s normal.
Keen to embark on a vulva voyage or bored with your tried-and-tested methods? Try these masturbation tips and variations.
Manual masturbation
Writer’s note: This isn’t an instruction manual – simply some ideas to get your juices (sorry!) flowing.
Run your fingers over the outer and inner lips of your vulva. Create a “V” shape with your index and middle fingers and slide them up and down, either side of your clitoris. Apply lube for this to feel really good.
Use your index and middle fingers to rub your clitoris over the hood up and down, side to side diagonally or round in circles – find what movements feel pleasurable.
Experiment by varying your speed and pressure and trying clockwise and anti-clockwise movements.
In their book, More Orgasms Please, The Hotbed Collective recommend, “Use all the fingers of one hand to pulse the inner labia, as if you were playing the piano.”
Slide one or two lubricated fingers inside your vagina. Move your fingers in and out to pleasure all those lovely nerve endings – this is known as “fingering”.
Can’t decide whether clitoral or vaginal stimulation feels best? Use both hands simultaneously! Your dominant hand can stimulate your clit and your other hand can stimulate your G-spot. Your G-spot is the fleshy area just inside the entrance of your vagina, towards your belly button.
Hump and grind
Use the palm of your hand to stimulate your whole vulva. Lay on your back and rub your hand (palm-side down) against your vulva, teasing your clitoris as you go. See which parts of your vulva respond to firmer and lighter pressures.
Or lay face down with your hand between your legs and rock your hips back and forth, side to side and round in circles against your hand. Vary the pace and direction to find out what feels good.
Try toys
It’s absolutely fine if you only want to use your fingers and hands to masturbate. Sex toys are simply a way to explore different sensations and mix up your masturbation routine. They also happen to be banging at providing dual stimulation and tonnes of pleasure. Read our beginner’s guide to sex toys to become better acquainted with this box of delights.
There are countless sex toys you could use to masturbate. Common ones include dildos, vibrators and clitoral suction toys.
Dildos are typically non-vibrating toys used for vaginal or anal penetration. You can also use them on your clitoris or vulva. Dildos are great because you have full control of the intensity and speed of pressure.
You don’t need to shove them fully inside you; there are tonnes of nerve endings just inside your vagina and, for some people, shallow penetration feels more satisfying than deep thrusts.
Vibrators are sex toys that vibrate, usually with various speeds and rhythmic settings. Perfect for experiencing new sensations from a targeted tickle to a deep, rumbly vibration. The possibilities are almost endless; there are battery-powered or rechargeable ones and some controlled by a remote or app. You can also choose between vibrators that you use inside your vagina (such as G-spot vibrators), on your vulva (like bullets or magic wand vibrators), or both (like rabbit vibrators).
Learn how to use your new favourite toy with our handy guides:
Then there’s clitoral suction (you might have heard of the trending rose toy, which is designed to mimic oral sex). Our clitoral suction toys use patented Pleasure Air Technology, which actually thrums air onto the clit, rather than sucking it, resulting in knee-wobbling self-pleasure.
And lastly, while not a sex toy, many people use the shower head to get them off. Just direct the water pressure at your favourite body parts, but mind the water isn’t too hot! Ouch.
A note on lubrication: When you’re aroused, your vagina self-lubricates (“gets wet”). This makes inserting fingers and toys easier and masturbating more pleasurable. Even so, using lube can increase your pleasure and make using sex toys much more fun.
Change positions
In movies, female masturbation is typically depicted as a woman lying in her bed, on her back – but you can do it however you want!
If clitoral stimulation’s your thing (like it is for most people with vulvas), get into a position that gives you easy access to your clit. Or try a position that allows you to grind your vulva against something.
Here are some other masturbation positions you could try:
- Standing up or leaning against the wall or furniture (if you’re able to)
- Straddling a pillow
- Squatting (a workout on the thighs but allows easier access to your G-spot)
- Sitting in a chair
- Getting on all fours, doggy-style
- Standing in the shower, paying attention to the feeling of water running over your vulva
Explore your body
Pleasure doesn’t have to be reserved for vulva play. There are plenty of other parts of your body that like to be touched. Anal masturbation can feel amazing (and painless) if you go slowly and use lots of lube.
Any finger or toy that’s going into your bumhole should be cleaned before and after and slathered in an anal lube. (Lube is essential for anal play because your butt doesn’t self-lubricate.)
Use your finger or an anal sex toy like a butt plug or anal beads. Remember to insert them slowly and only go deeper if it feels good. Move the toys in and out or in circular motions to find a rhythm that makes your toes curl.
If anal play feels good, combine this with clitoral or vaginal stimulation. In fact, try combining different techniques and speeds using your fingers or sex toys. For example, use a dildo or vibrator inside your vagina while touching your clit. Or, use a clitoral suction toy while you finger your vagina or slide in some anal beads.
Rubbing one out feels pleasurable because it’s supposed to! There are also physical and mental benefits to masturbation, so if you’re looking for the green light, consider it lit.
A cocktail of hormones, including dopamine, oxytocin and serotonin is released during masturbation. Coupled with the rush of endorphins, solo sessions leave us feeling happy and relaxed. Many people also say they fall asleep faster after orgasm, too!
Want another way to combat menstrual cramps on top of painkillers and hot water bottles? Masturbation and orgasms can reduce discomfort during periods.
There are also longer-term benefits as prolactin (released during sexual arousal) protects your brain from stress-related damage. Plus, people report a more satisfying sex life with partners, thanks to the increased awareness of what parts of their body elicit pleasure.
If you’ve tried masturbating but don’t enjoy it or can’t reach orgasm, don’t feel ashamed. Keep exploring your body and what feels good to you. Here are some more tips for your sexual pleasure:
- Turn down the lights to help let go of your inhibitions.
- Use lube (seriously, try it).
- Take a long bath or shower and masturbate with a waterproof sex toy.
- Do it in front of a mirror. Wear your favourite lingerie and admire how hot you are while you touch yourself.
- Play some sexy music. Don’t know where to start? Find out what song is played during your favourite sex scene.
- Let your mind wander and fantasise about whatever turns you on.
- Read or listen to erotic stories if you need ideas for your fantasies!
- Watch porn (look for ethical porn if mainstream porn doesn’t do it for you).
Pleasure but better
If you’re using a toy to masturbate, begin on the lowest setting and build up to stronger sensations. Apply a generous amount of lube and add more when you need it.
While using toys on your clitoris won’t desensitise it, if it’s sore to the touch or your vagina is chaffing, have a break for a few days and apply more lube next time.
