Bondage for Beginners

Anyone can try bondage – and you don’t need a kinky sex room to do it!

Sure, sex swings and machines can be fun, but for many folks, light bondage is exciting enough. Tried handcuffs or blindfolds already? You’ve dabbled in bondage. Totally new to the scene? Don’t worry, we’ll start from scratch.

Exploring bondage with a trusted and willing partner can help you build intimacy and learn about your desires. But where to begin? In our guide to bondage for beginners, experts Ruth Heneke Eliot and Jess Wilde share their advice.

Only got time for a quickie?

All kinky sex deserves proper research before you begin, but if you’ve only got two minutes to spare you can check out the highlights here. Or, read the full guide for all the delicious detail.

• People’s reasons for trying bondage can vary. Mostly, it’s a big turn on, but there are some other surprising benefits too.
• Beginners should beware spontaneity. It’s important to discuss expectations and boundaries with your partner first.
• Understanding kink frameworks like RACK can make bondage play more rewarding.
• Safewords and actions allow either of you to stop or change what’s happening immediately – and should never be ignored.
• Certain knots and restraints feel thrilling without causing actual harm. Avoid cutting off the circulation or getting into restraints that can’t be released quickly in an emergency.
• Collars, handcuffs, ball gags, sex swings... there’s bondage gear for all kinds of kinky play. Get good quality, body-safe toys from a retailer you trust.

There are so many reasons why you might want to explore bondage. “Everyone’s desires, motivations and fantasies around bondage are unique to them,” explains Ruth Heneke Eliot, a sex education expert and facilitator of Better Sex Workshops.

“Having said that, there are some experiences that are typical of those who enjoy it,” she continues. “For many, bondage can be a way to experience intense emotional and psychological states they may not be able to achieve in other contexts in their lives.”

Perhaps unsurprisingly, over 90% of people who are into bondage do it because it turns them on. Below, we’ll get into some of the reasons to explore bondage.

To improve communication

All good bondage play begins with a conversation – about your expectations for the session, your boundaries, what turns you on. (More tips for having this conversation later!)

You might find that talking openly about bondage paves the way for more transparent conversations elsewhere in your relationship, too. Research repeatedly shows that couples who have open and honest conversations express greater relationship satisfaction.

To deepen trust and intimacy

For around 20% of people into bondage, trust is essential for incorporating it into sex. You need a good foundation of trust to begin, but you might be surprised at how trust and intimacy can grow through playing with bondage, too.

“Putting your physical safety in [your partner’s] hands, or feeling trusted by a partner who’s allowing you to tie them” is an immensely intimate act that expresses deep trust, says Ruth.

To try a new role

Almost half of folks into bondage do it because they like playing with power dynamics. According to Ruth, power play can make people “feel empowered or safely disempowered, contained, held, secure or vulnerable.”

Consensually surrendering your agency to another? Hot. Your lover willingly submitting to your whims? Mmhmm. Restraining movements with restraints? Yes, yes! Exploring power exchange through BDSM can be sexy AF.

To be more mindful

Research shows that over 10% of bondage bods find pleasure in achieving an “altered state of consciousness”.

“Some people say their minds go ‘quiet’ when they’re bound, and this can provide a deep meditative state,” begins Ruth. “Feeling embodied, relaxed, calm or grounded” are just some mindful emotions brought up by bondage.

There are no set rules to exploring bondage, but you may find these bondage tips and techniques helpful as a beginner.

1. Talk about it first

Broach the topic of bondage with your partner before reaching for the equipment. “It can be tempting to spontaneously bring in kinky things like restraint, or re-enact what we see in porn, TV or films without discussing it with a partner first,” says sex education expert, Ruth Heneke Eliot.

“People are often scared of ruining the mood, killing the sexy vibe or seeming inexperienced if they initiate this conversation with their partner,” she continues. In reality, springing bondage on a partner without first talking about it is more likely to kill the mood than a conversation in a safe space!

Timing is everything for this conversation. Avoid bringing it up when you’re in the throes of sex (your lover might feel pressured into doing something they don’t want). Pick a moment when you aren’t rushing out the door, about to have friends over, or juggling the school run.

You could ask a hypothetical question to test the waters and make way for a discussion. Something like, “How would you feel about having your wrists handcuffed to the bed during sex?” or “Would the thought of me wearing a blindfold turn you on?”

If your partner is willing to talk, focus on exploring something new together. Be emphatic that you see bondage as a way to enhance, not replace, your existing sex life – and wanting to explore kink isn’t a criticism of the sex you currently have.

Bear in mind that the initial conversation might be short. If your partner says an emphatic “No”, it’s a no. You might be able to talk about it again later, but for now, don’t push it.

2. Start lightly

If bondage is new to either of you, some things might feel overwhelming. Your partner wants to dress up in latex, tie you to the bed and drip hot wax on you? Perhaps a little too intense for a beginner…

If you start small and take your time, it just means there’ll be more to potentially explore together.

Avoid the temptation to let the person who’s more experienced in bondage take the lead. They may go too quickly for the newbie. Let whichever one of you is the least experienced set the pace.

3. Know your RACK from your SSC

Whether you’re exploring bondage for the first or the hundredth time, it’s essential to know how to care for yourself and your partner – and keep things consensual.

Ruth explains two frameworks that “guide our approach to exploring kink”. (Don’t skip this part; kinky play is so much more rewarding when you feel confident in your approach.)

The first framework, SSC, stands for Safe, Sane and Consensual. It means that, when exploring bondage, everyone should:

• Feel comfortable to communicate honestly
• Feel safe that changing or ending what's happening won't be shamed
• Be in a sufficiently clear-minded state to understand the potential risks

To stay clear-minded, it's best to avoid drugs and alcohol when you play.

SSC is considered outdated by some, because it’s impossible to guarantee safety, Ruth notes. She says, “all sexual activities carry some risk – physical, psychological, relational – and bondage play is no different."

For this reason, lots of kinksters prefer the RACK framework, which emphasises creating a dynamic with your partner that’s informed and rooted in consent.

RACK stands for Risk-Aware Consensual Kink. “Being informed, understanding the risks and agreeing to proceed with care will help reduce the likelihood of harm,” says Ruth. Creating this environment of trust and care when you play can also make bondage feel even more rewarding.

4. Understand each other's limits

Boundaries are often referred to as ‘hard’ and ‘soft’ limits when talking about kink. This differentiation helps you (and your partner) understand what you do and don’t want to try.

“Hard limits are absolute no-go activities, like ‘No spanking, ever,’” explains sex and pleasure expert Jess Wilde. “Soft limits have some flexibility or conditions, such as ‘No spanking, except with a hand, on the butt, through clothing.’”

Don’t worry if you don’t know exactly what you do (and don’t) want to do yet. There are ways to work out your limits. You could:

• Read kinky stories or listen to audio erotica
• Check out the Lovehoney Forum to find out what others have tried
• Browse bondage sex toys and note what piques your interest (or makes you wince!)
• Find a BDSM checklist online and fill it out with your partner – tick acts you want to try, put a dot next to experiences you’re curious about, and cross of anything that puts you off

Once you’ve got a better idea of what intrigues you, share your limits with your partner. Just be aware that your limits might change over time and you can always use your safe word – even to stop a pre-agreed activity.

Expert advice: You or your partner might have a strong aversion to certain kinky acts, even if you don’t judge the other for wanting to try it. Some kinksters use the word ‘squick’ as a non-judgemental way to express this. Rather than saying “I’d NEVER do that, it’s disgusting”, you might say “that’s a squick for me, personally”.

5. Choose a safeword or action

When you’re talking to your lover about bondage, be sure to agree a safeword, i.e. something you can say to immediately stop or change what’s happening during play.

Safewords aren’t just for when you’re getting really kinky. Even light bondage play warrants a safeword – and safewords should never be ignored during play.

“Your safeword should be something memorable, easy to say, and not easily confused with something else you might say during intimacy,” says Jess Wilde. Essentially, it should stand out like a sore thumb when you’re in the zone!

“Words like ‘Alabama’ or ‘tarantula’ are great options, but equally, you can keep things simple and choose ‘stop’, ‘no’ or ‘pause’ as your safeword, as long as it’s agreed beforehand that those words genuinely do mean ‘stop’,” says Jess.

She also recommends the traffic light system, which can be a more nuanced way to communicate. “This is especially useful if you’re trying something new,” advises Jess.

• Green means continue/I like this
• Amber means proceed with caution/slow down a bit
• Red means stop immediately

It’s also important to have a stop action. If someone’s gagged – or their mouth is otherwise, um, occupied – you’ll need a physical signal rather than a word. Even if you don’t intend to use gags, it’s good practice to establish both a safeword and action before you start.

“Popular choices include squeezing a squeaky toy, dropping a tennis ball or using hand signals,” says Jess.

6. Research your knots

When it comes to rope bondage, any old knot won't do. If rope bondage appeals to you, seek out Japanese rope bondage (or “shibari”) classes. A good instructor will show you how to tie knots safely and check for circulation while you play.

Try “single column ties” to begin with, like the granny knot or reef knot. Follow along a video tutorial to practice tying and untying bondage knots around furniture before tying up a body part. It’s just as important to know how to quickly and safely release knots as it is to tie them (use safety scissors in a pinch).

If you’re not confident with your rope skills yet, start with restraints.

7. Ramp it up if you’re comfortable

Beyond bondage, there are countless types of kinks you could try. Impact play explores pain and other sensations (like tickling or temperature play), plus plenty of equipment is beginner friendly.

Nipple suckers are a gentle way to experiment before you pick up nipple clamps, and a feather tickler might entice you to try a flogger.

More advanced forms of BDSM play can include rope suspension, chastity play or electrostim. It’s best to start with light bondage before you work your way up. And, even with bondage, friction isn’t always the goal, so slather that lube on wherever you fancy.

When “Ow!” is good: Learn how to spank for pleasure

8. Make time for aftercare

After any kind of kinky sex, “It’s important to emotionally check in to see how the other person is feeling and offer reassurance,” advises Jess. Aftercare is also a good opportunity to “resume ‘normality’ – i.e your usual power dynamic outside of playtime,” she continues.

“This is particularly important during scenes where power play is a key component as performing the role of a Dom or a sub requires vulnerability, and it’s not uncommon for either partner to feel emotional or unsure of themselves after play.”

“The offer of a cosy cuddle, a warm blanket or a glass of water can go a long way in making someone feel cared for after a kinky session.”

When it comes to restraints, suspension gear and gags, it’s important to choose quality equipment that’s actually designed for bondage. Rope that’s too thin can risk cutting off circulation, ripping duct tape off skin hurts, and using cable ties for restraints is a very bad idea. Here’s a quick guide to the gear:

Handcuffs and restraints

Handcuffs are the most popular form of wrist restraint. They’re traditionally used to secure the hands behind the wearer's back but can also be used to secure the wrists around an object, fixture or fitting to prevent the wearer from moving from the position they’re placed in.

You can also get body restraints in all sorts of combinations – neck-to-wrist, wrist-to-thigh, ankle-to-wrist. (Enjoy getting into naughty positions!) Spreader bars can also be used to restrain the limbs and force them apart – or attach the wrists to the ankles.

Here's what to look out for:

• Your preferred fastening. Cuffs can be attached by Velcro, clasps, straps or lock and key.
• Material. Choose from soft cuffs, leather or faux leather, silicone or metal.
• Whether you want a fixed length or an expandable spreader bar.

Bondage rope and tape

Bondage tape wraps around the body to bind a person or create clothing. It sticks to itself, rather than your skin, meaning it’s comfortable to wear and remove.

Bondage rope comes in a variety of materials (depending on the desired texture against the skin), lengths (you can do more with a longer rope, but a short rope is easier to handle), and thicknesses (wider ropes distribute pressure over a wider surface area but result in bulkier knots).

Don’t be tempted to use ropes found in DIY stores – they are often harder on the skin and too inflexible to tie intricate knots, and they may cause nerve or skin damage. Keep safety scissors nearby when using bondage rope or tape!

Look out for:

• Length, width and material of rope
• The colour of the bondage tape (if it’s important to you)

Collars and leads

When used together, a collar and leash form a bondage device to control the wearer. Many collars have an O-ring at the front to allow leads, harnesses and bondage equipment to be connected to them. Look out for:

• Connective points. Do you want the lead to attach to nipple clamps, restraints or a collar?
• Material – for comfort or discomfort!

Blindfolds, masks, and gags

Limiting your vision with a blindfold heightens the rest of your senses. Sexy. Choose from satin, leather, faux leather or soft furry material and whether you want a classic sleep mask style or a scarf that needs tying.

Masks are more decorative and are designed to transform or disguise the wearer’s appearance. They’re commonly worn at fetish and swingers’ parties, but masks can also be used in role play.

Sometimes confused with blindfolds, a bondage hood covers half of the head and face or the entirety. They come in many guises, some without mouth, nose or eye holes and some with open faces. Hoods change the wearer’s appearance and also deprive them of multiple senses.

You might be surprised by the different types of gags there are. Ball gags are usually strapped around or over the head with a rubber ball positioned inside the wearer’s lips and teeth. This muffles the wearer’s voice or prevents them from speaking – while allowing them to breathe with minimal difficulty. Gags can also include bits (think: horse), hooks, rings and ratchets.

Look out for:

• Breathability of the gag
• Cover provided by the blindfold, mask or hood

Sex swings

These secure and adjustable harnesses are excellent for experimenting with new and exciting positions. Sex swings allow you to find the perfect alignment to enhance oral sex, penetration or spanking. Look out for:

• Fitting . Over-the-door jams and sex swing frames are more convenient and portable than securing a hook in the ceiling
• Adjustable features mean more comfort and customization for you

Before you try bondage tonight...

All together now: Talk to your partner. Exploring bondage can be an exciting and fulfilling way to spice up your sex life and enhance your relationship – so long as everyone is informed and consenting.

Knowing how to choose quality bondage gear, how to use it safely and any risks involved not only keeps everyone safe but also focused on pleasure. And what is kinky sex if not for the pursuit of pleasure?

Trust the Lovehoney experts: Shop bondage