How to Use Sex Toys with a Partner

Keen to try out sex toys with your partner, but not sure how to bring it up? For some people, playing with a dildo or vibrator feels like something that should be kept private — even if they’d like to share the fun with someone else.

It can also feel like a tricky conversation to start, if you’ve haven’t used toys with someone else before. But it’s simpler (and much less cringe) than you think, once you know how.

That’s why we’ve put together this beginner’s guide for discussing sex toys with your partner for the first time, and — once you’ve got an enthusiastic ‘let’s do it!’ from them — how to use sex toys together for the best (read: steamiest!) results.

Ready to try something new? Explore couple’s sex toys

As well as being a whole lot of fun, switching up your sex life by finding out how to use sex toys together could have a surprising impact on your relationship as a whole.

One study shows that, after taking part in, “new and exciting experiences together, rather than after routine, everyday experiences, [couples] reported feeling more growth in their relationship, as well as more security”. So, trying out sex toys for beginners, or even some new positions, could have the added benefit of boosting your bond — both in the bedroom, and beyond.

You’ll like this other study we’ve spotted, too. It found that, “sex toy ownership and use were significantly associated with higher sexual and life satisfaction, while higher relationship satisfaction was only significantly associated with currently owning a sex toy… and frequency of use with a partner”.

Short answer: using sex toys, both solo and with a partner, is very much a good plan.

Plus, using sex toys can lead to more orgasms — as well as joint orgasms. “A vibrator may be your ticket to timing your orgasms with your partner’s, especially during intercourse,” says Kate White M.D. of Boston Medical Center and author of Your Sexual Health.

So how can a vibe help couples to climax together? “Fewer than one in five women say they can climax from vaginal intercourse alone,” says Kate. “Everyone else wants or needs some sort of stimulation on their clitoris.”

That’s a whole lot of reasons to share sex toys with your partner — but it can still feel so difficult to bring up using a vibrator or a dildo for the first time. Read on to see what we recommend.

Bringing up sex toys might feel awkward if you’re not sure how the other person will react — or if you think they might feel a bit redundant when you bring various vibrating bits and pieces into the bedroom.

It might also feel tricky if you think they’ll suggest a fantasy that you’re not into trying. But respect and an open mind will help you tackling these pre-convo nerves. Check out these tips:

• Step one: make time to talk to them when you’re at home, and when there’s nothing they’ve got to rush off for afterwards, so the conversation can be as quick or in-depth as it needs to be.

• When you’re chatting in a relaxed, pressure-free environment, you have time to find out what you both really think about using sex toys and to discuss any potential nerves or uncertainty. Plus: there’s also time for some spontaneous online shopping, or even a steamy sex session if you’re feeling turned on by all this sex-toy talk!

• During the conversation, remember that some topics might feel taboo or be brand new to your partner. Keep things respectful and non-judgmental, so you can both talk openly about what you’d like to try and what you feel comfortable doing.

• If you think your partner might feel upstaged by a buzzing or thrustable addition to your sex life, it’s important to remind them that the toy is for shared fun and isn’t making up for any kind of lack. “Look at a sex toy as a pleasure enhancement, not a partner replacement,” adds the Marriage.com team. “Like adding seasoning to an already-fabulous dish, the sex toy just takes sex to another level.”

This conversation is also the time to figure out what you both want from sex toys: does using a rabbit vibrator as part of foreplay or mutual masturbation sound exciting? Or perhaps looking at the best sex toys for anal play is more your thing?

Whatever you opt for, remember that clear consent is essential: make sure that you’re both fully on board with the toys you choose, and check that you’re both still keen to try them when it comes to playtime.

The key to enjoying sex toys with your partner is making it something you can explore together.

There’s no rush to buy anything you’re not sure about — in fact, the process of discovering what feels thrilling to each of you is all part of the excitement. This is a chance for you to get to know each other on another level, and to spend time prioritising your pleasure as a pair.

Explore what’s out there

Whatever you’re into, there’s a toy that’ll hit the spot. Do you love clitoral stimulation during oral sex — and would it feel amazing to add this sensation to penetrative sex with your partner?

A bullet vibe or clitoral suction toy could be just the thing — and, if your partner has a penis, it could give you a chance to climax together. As Kate White says, “If you want to try to have an orgasm during vaginal penetration, try stimulating your clitoris at the same time.”

Perhaps anal play is right up your street, so to speak, and butt plugs or anal beads would take your pleasure up a notch — or maybe you’re picturing adding a little kink to your play? If that’s the case, check out our guides to bondage and BDSM.

There’s something for every preference — so head online together and see what looks exciting to you.

Shop for toys together

Think of this stage as extended foreplay: finding out what turns your partner on and vice versa as you shop is a great way to build anticipation.

If you’re looking for something that’s perfect for absolute beginners but sure to spice things up, we’d recommend trying a massage candle or orgasm gel. These small but steamy additions can help you to add a new dimension to partnered play before you add toys into the mix.

Love egg vibrators are another great starter option. These might technically be sex toys for women but, because they’re remote-controlled and hands-free, they’re ideal for couple’s play. Let your partner take control of the vibrations via an app, and drive you wild — when you’re at home, or out and about. Trying to keep a straight face while your partner’s secretly stimulating your G-spot in public can be a real turn-on!

Whatever you choose, read reviews before you buy, go with brands you trust and avoid cheaply made toys. If you’re looking for quality toys that don’t break the bank, our BASICS range is a good place to start.

Remember: toys that you or your partner might already have for solo fun — like rabbit vibrators or dildos — can become part of your partnered playtime too. Try handing over control of these toys to your partner. Let them tease you by gently thrusting up to and massaging your G-spot or P-spot, until the tension’s too much for you both and you can toss the toy to one side!

Go slow, if it’s your first rodeo

Once you’ve picked out a toy (or toys!) that you’re both excited to try, put an evening in the diary to try them out together. Make sure you don't have to rush off afterwards, so you can take your time.

If neither of you have used toys before, or one of you is new to them, keep in mind that it’s best to work up to bigger, more advanced toys over time. If pegging or giant dildos are a fantasy for you, that’s brilliant — but it’s best to start small with a butt plug or regular-sized dildo before you move on up.

Anal sex is a popular fantasy, and there are lots of options out there for newbies — like this Lovehoney Get Started beginner’s anal kit. Remember, though: when you’re using a butt plug, prostate massager or anal beads, always make sure your anal toy has a flared base or handle to avoid losing it ‘up there’ (and having to have a very awkward conversation in A&E).

On that note, always read the instructions — and remember to clean sex toys between sessions. Sure, it’s a little faffy, but you should clean your toys as soon as possible after sex, to avoid bacteria building up. Don’t worry, it’ll feel totally worth it once you’ve got familiar your new climax buddies.

Be generous with lube (but make sure it’s the right kind)

Whatever toys you’re keen to try, lube should be the first thing to consider. Even if you’re not planning any internal stimulation, lubricants add that sensual slip-and-slide feel to play whether penetration’s involved or not.

Don’t be shy with how much lube you use, either. Coat your toys in it, and add a slick to your skin or your partner’s; wherever you want to increase the sensation of smooth, wonderfully slippery contact during partnered sex.

We’ve put together a guide to lube with our top tips on choosing the best lube for you. If you’re using silicone toys, opt for a water-based lube — silicone lube can degrade silicone toys, you see.

Play with all your erogenous zones

Get experimental! While there are hot spots you and your partner might usually go straight for during sex, why not find other areas that feel incredible to stimulate? Massage a bullet vibrator over sensitive areas like nipples or perineum, or try different sex positions that allow you to hold a vibe against your clitoris or testicles during penetrative sex.

Keep in mind that if you haven’t used a vibrating toy before, the sensations can be quite intense at first. So rather than using it on your genitals right away, you might want to try out the toy on less sensitive areas to start with. You can also ease yourselves in by starting on the lowest vibration setting, or using the toy over clothes or underwear.

Masturbate together

Jacking off together can be a steamy way to tease each other, and to learn more about what gets each other off. And toys add all sorts of new possibilities! If you or your partner has a penis, try a vibrating male stroker — or massage your vulva with a wand vibrator. These wands are seriously powerful, and can double as a back massager during foreplay as well.

Start by sitting back and simply watching each other play. When you’re used to the sensations, it’ll get even steamier if you use toys on each other. For example, you can use a rabbit vibrator on anyone with a vulva (or anus) and watch them come harder than ever.

Try toys during penetration

Adding warming lube to your genitals before penetration can feel incredible — or, for an extra level of sensation, why not coat yours or your partner’s nipples or testicles with tingling lube, then fondle them during sex?

Slipping on a penis ring is an easy, hands-free way to add vibrations to penetrative sex for both of you; some rings have clitoral stimulators attached, and others have an extra ring to wrap around the testicles. As well as vibrations boosting blood flow to this sensitive area for heightened sensation, cock rings can help your or your partner’s penis stay harder for longer.

Plus: if you or your partner finds it difficult to climax just through penetration, vibrating toys (like bullet vibes) are perfect for adding targeted stimulation wherever it feels best for you.

If you’re both intrigued by how sex toys could elevate your sex life and your relationship, then this is your sign to try something new together! Take time out to find out what turns you both on, and what would make your partnered play even hotter; discovering more about what you both love to do and feel in the bedroom will help to bring you closer.